DAY 18

The anxiousness continues each morning and seems to grow day by day. It passes for a short time if I have a good cry and sob deeply...or longer if I take the anti-anxiety drugs. But lately tears don't seem to come, only a numbness. I don't know why and I don't like it. A therapist friend on Facebook tells me this numbness is to keep all the sadness from hitting at once. She says it is to protect us...much like the shock of a physical injury.

My best friend, also a therapist, tells me the anxiety is my "fight or flight" instinct kicking in...another protection from harm. But there is nothing or no one to fight and no where to run. And even if there was a place to go, I'm not sure I have the energy to go there. My world is sadly becoming my recliner in my TV room. It's where I want to be. I don't want to be coaxed out right now. I don't want to be invited anywhere. I just want to be here...no, I actually don't want this to be my existence...but this is all I can do right now.

This morning as I thought about that state of fear that forces us to choose one escape or the other, I figured the only thing left to do is to choose a third option: Surrender. Surrender to the pain. Surrender to the process. Surrender to the goodness and mercy of God. But what does that even mean? Reading words on a page, scripture or other spiritual writings, just seem to stay in my head...not travel deep to where I need it the most...my heart, my soul, my spirit.  All this is a mystery. 

I keep saying I want Craig back. I keep crying that I want everything back the way it was. But that will never happen. At some point...and I don't know when that will be or if it is even just gradually happening now...I will have to move beyond my old, wonderful life. I will have to co-create my life with God. But for now I must learn to surrender to the grief.

So again, I invoke the mustard seed of faith in my broken heart and say:

I surrender to you Creator. Or want to.

Take me captive and heal me.